Caramu Mencintaiku

“Kumohon, hentikan tatapanmu!”

Teriak hatiku tiap kali matamu yang teduh keabuan menghujaniku dengan rentetan bahasa non-verbal yang aku tahu betul maknanya.

Aku hanya bisa tersengal-sengal kewalahan menghadapi serbuan tatapanmu. Biasanya aku hanya akan memalingkan muka untuk menghindarinya. Bahkan begitupun, aku masih bisa melihat tatapanmu melalui sudut mataku. Pada saat-saat seperti itu, aku memilih untuk pura-pura acuh.

Maafkan aku.

Tatapan itu hadir sejak beberapa tahun belakangan ini. Dulu…kau tidak seperti itu.

Ya, aku tahu, waktu terus berjalan, segalanya konstan berubah.

In life, things come and go…

Begitu kata mereka. Pun dengan tatapanmu. Awalnya aku tidak menyadarinya. Sedikitpun. Sampai hatiku merasakannya.

Bencikah aku dengan tatapanmu? Aku rasa tidak. Aku memakluminya. Aku hanya…yah…tatapanmu membuat hatiku tidak karuan.

Aku tahu kau mencintaiku. Sangat mencintaiku.

Pun aku terhadapmu.

Namun, tatapanmu juga yang membuatku sering enggan untuk pulang ke dalam dekapanmu. Aku merasa menjadi terdakwa di bawah palu hakim tiap kau menatapku.

Aku belum sanggup untuk balas menatapmu dengan keyakinanku, dengan segala jawaban yang ingin kau dengar.

Belum. Dan aku belum tahu kapan aku akan sanggup.

Lagi-lagi maafkan aku…

Tapi, aku hanya ingin kau tahu, walaupun mungkin tidak sebesar kau terhadapku…

AKU SANGAT MENCINTAIMU, IBU…

Racauan Mahasiswa Bodoh

Do you ever feel living like a zombie? You’re doing things but you’re feeling nothing? Just moving like a helpless programmed robot?

Ask me.

I know exactly how it feels like.

Been living such life in the last few months.

Always wake up in the morning, perform almost the exact same things every day. The sun rises and sets without me even realizing it.

On weekdays living like a zombie, on weekends living like…uh well, half a zombie. Could breath for a while, could rinse my eyes from distressingly fluttering letters for an hour or two.

Basically, my life has been ruthlessly taken away.

Feels like my soul has been pulled out and what’s left is just an empty nutshell.

Yea, yea, okay, I’m exaggerating…but it indeed feels horrible.

Whatta misery.

When I was asked if I was ready to live such life, I never thought it would be this despicable. But yeah, it was my choice anyway.

I have to finish what I’ve started.

I never imagined doing a master could be this depressing.

P.S. maaf, cuma curhat =D

Thank you, You…

One sunny day…

She was busy at a corner of her room, looking for a book which she borrowed from her friend when by chance she caught a glimpse of something, sticking out between a heap of papers and a pile of novels.

There it was.

It wasn’t a special thing. Just a piece of paper in brown with lovely particular pattern called batik. But there she was, dumbfounded, staring at the paper piece.

Her mind was thrown back to that exact day, the year before. It was drown in a train of memories she had been struggling to forget.

That day, the year before…

She looked so dearly at a boxy stuff covered in dark brown batik wrapping paper which laid on the desk. She carefully took it and a smile bloomed on her face. That night she would give it to her beloved one.

Yes, it had been his birthday several days before, but they could not make it to meet until that night. The gift was not fancy at any rate, but she had filled it with her whole-hearted love for him. Strangely, she already felt that something bad would happen.

She was right.

That day…was the last time she met him.

At a corner of her room, now…

Her eyes brimmed with tears that her cry could burst out at any second. All the sweet memories of her being together with him overwhelmingly bombarded her wall of emotions.

One drop…

Two drops…

…flood on her cheeks.

She just couldn’t stand it no more. She had been trying so hard to be tough, to hold all the things inside for the past year, but for that moment only, she wanted to be weak and let go all the burden and feelings she’d kept.

Then she remembered wise words from a pastor friend of hers “Be thankful of and cherish the time at which you both loved each other, because it was a very precious moment. No matter whether your love would end happily or not. Because eventually, you must part with your beloved ones.”

There came a draw of slight smile on her face.

She took the paper piece. Folded it neatly.

She walked to her closet and opened it, reaching for a box on the top shelf. Then she put the paper into the box while whispering “Thank you, You, for all the sweet memories once we had.”

(Oxy)MORON

Stupid, idiot, moron, goblok, just name it.

She's had too many people calling her any of those words. Has she got goddam low IQ? Has her mom dropped her when she was baby? Does she always get terrible grades in her study? NO. She just seems...well...she indeed cannot use her brain on one damn thing called...love.

Having been able to escape from a horrible relationship didn't make her any smarter to learn from her mistake. Even donkeys won't fall into the same hole twice, they say. But no, she looks nothing like a donkey.

The biggest flaw of her is, that once she falls in love, it'll be a hell lot difficult for her to fall out it. There the story began....

No, I won't tell you the whole story because...I just won't.

There was this guy who fell in love with her (umm...I'm not sure about this but just say so...) and she fell for him as well. Then they got married and lived happily ever after with bunch of cute babies? The end?

Sorry for disappointing, but the answer of those questions is a BIG FAT NO.

The fact was, he left her just at the moment she had madly been in love with him and everything felt like heaven to her.
He just left.
Without warning.
Without announcement.
Without a word.
He just did.
Period.

All she could do was only crying crying and crying. Until there was no more tears left that she could only sob. Trust me, that was the time when the pain hurt the most. And he would never know how much she cried when he left. Ever. I dare to bet anything on that.

All her friends told her, "If he's DUMB enough to walk away, be SMART enough to let him go..."
Is it that easy? NO.

Once she fooled herself by thinking that she was all okay and she'd moved on. But then a trivial thing struck her and all the memories were played back on her mind and swirled over and over again as if the replay button was constantly pushed. There, at the very moment, all the tears she'd held back for the past several months burst out, unstoppably flooding her cheeks.

It'd been almost a year she didn't meet him, and yea she was pretty okay with that, when one day her eyes caught a very familiar figure sitting on a bench at a place she would never imagine to meet with him. She couldn't believe in what she saw, but yes, he was there.

She approached him.
Said hi.
He said hi back and shook her hand. And yea, you know, like in those romances where the electricity climbed up her hand. She'd almost forgot how her hand looked so small in his.

She never realized how much she'd missed him until they met that she felt like crying.

"You still look exactly the same as you were when we last met...and I really missed you..." her heart whispered when she looked intensely into his pale blue eyes. Don't ask me how tempted she was to hug and kiss him. But she knew all has changed, they were not what they used to be. She knew it very well.

Now it was his birthday. She was thinking of giving him a birthday gift but she was afraid it would end up in the trash bin, just like the gift she'd given him the year before.

She's already sick of people saying, including him, "You deserve someone better."

What if she just wanted and needed NOBODY better but HIM??